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Is The Grass Really Greener?

Q. I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years on and off. He's my best friend, but the spark is gone from our sex life. I have recently returned from a holiday where i realized that I have a powerful attraction to a mutual friend of ours. I know that we would be incompatible in a relationship as he is promiscuous but I feel sick with longing for him. My boyfriend and I have talked about our problem, but he thinks that it is all to do with an STD that I got a few years ago that reoccurs from time to time. I'm not sure, but since returning home I think of this other guy first thing in the morning and last thing at night and have written poetry for him. What do I do now?

A. You are at the mercy of certain psychological forces here, like waves of the sea, driven with the wind, and tossed and unless you take control your life is not going to get any better down the road. I cant live your life for you, but I think I can at least give you some insight as to what is going on in your life and I hope that will help.

First, let me say that without marriage as your ultimate goal you are ultimately going to wind up with nothing. Everything in the Love Tactics System is formulated with that in mind. Having said that let me say that problem #1 is youre not committed to your present relationship. That creates a weakness for you to be vulnerable to fantasize about others, for starters.

Although we begin a relationship with sparks and infatuation, at some point you have to make up your mind that this is it, and no matter how the emotional whims run Im going to stay true to this person. If we dont want to make that decision, then we shouldnt be exclusive with them on some sort of indefinite basis.

#2) You are bored. Thats normal. Those feelings come and go in a relationship, but when youre committed you make the best of it.

#3) There is a psychological rule that says You tend to despise that which you have in the palm of your hand. Evidently, your boyfriend has surrendered a lot of his independence to you and this is making it harder for you to continue to be excited about him. If his surrender is so complete that you pretty much know that you could be unfaithful to him and he wouldnt dump you. It would tend to make your disrespect for him even worse.

#4) There is another psychological rule that says, You want what you cant have. It is pretty clear that this is the sirens call to you in this case. This guy is promiscuous and basically, not emotionally available. You know that makes him harder to have. Thus it sparks a psychological desire in you (totally illusionary, by the way, but none the less as strong as if it were based on logical attraction) creating a desire to have him.

Furthermore, the fact that you are EXPECTED to be true (both by your boyfriend and your own morals) creates another adder factor making him something you cant have, which again adds to the obsessive desire you are feeling.

#5) Youve obviously been trying to resist these feelings and there is still another psychological law that says, Suppression is the mother of obsession. In other words, so long as you try to put this out of your mind, rather than FULLY UNDERSTANDING what is going on inside you, it becomes even more difficult to forget about. I tell you these things in the weak hope, though, that through my words you might actually grasp what is happening to you here and, instead of suppressing it, ACKNOWLEDGE TO YOURSELF EXACTLY WHY THIS IS HAPPENING.

If you will think the truthfulness of everything Ive said here through, I believe you may be moved to choose a better course. It is my hope that once you see that to pursue your present course is to sow the wind and reap the whirlwind, sorrow, and trouble. The better course would be for you to decide whether your present boyfriend is worth marrying or not, and if not, to then find someone who is capable of commanding your RESPECT, as well as BEING FAITHFUL AND TRUE TO YOU.

Youve been fooling yourself by staying in limbo for a long time, and that is making you vulnerable to the present difficulty. Fix your current relationship or get out of it. But if you get out of it, dont make the mistake of going for the promiscuous loser. Find something of substance instead, and not just illusion.

Best wishes,
Tom McKnight

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