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Winning Her Back

Q. After dating this girl for a year and one half, my feelings grew very deep. As a result I know I violated several of the tactics. 1) Showed my anxiousness to be with her 2) Told her how much I cared for her. Now she is acting very cold and distant. I confronted her resistant behavior in an accepting manner. She said that it's not me it's her because of her past failed relationships, but she also did say that I did scare her. My question is I want to win this woman back. We discussed a platonic friendship however I said that in a few months would it be OK to ask her on a date. She said don't call it a date. So now how do I proceed? I don't believe she has any trust or respect for how I want to cultivate this relationship. Where do I start over at? Most other advice I have been given is to move on. She and I had a very wonderful time together. Is she not trying to hurt me? Appreciate help in winning this one if possible.

A. Your situation is not uncommon at all. You have basically been the needy one in this relationship and you have to now change that perception of yourself by her. Actually, she gave you a big clue when she said "don't call it a date". That sounds like something I would recommend. Quit FISHING FOR FEEDBACK by seeking her permission or approval, and so forth. Start for now by just not calling her for, say, the next six weeks. Then, when you call her, just chat and be friendly, but don't ever discuss the relationship anymore. Don't ask how she feels towards you, or if you can hold her hand, or anything like that. Just be casual and Platonic towards her for the next 4 months. THEN, you can pursue seeing her more, holding her hand, going for a kiss, etc. But never TALK about these things. Just do it. And back off gracefully when she doesn't go for it. Don't act all down in the mouth and depressed. Just change the subject and act happy. When somebody wants to break up, for example, because they feel the other person is getting "too serious" what that means is that they sense the other person can no longer be happy without them. We all want someone emotionally strong we can lean on.

Best wishes,
Tom McKnight

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